i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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