my phone cant type all the emotion im having
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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