i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
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My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
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