There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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