He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
