God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
