I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Randomize
