Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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