apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
