Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
