I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Randomize
