if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
