just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Randomize
