he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
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