I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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