We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
