How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
