My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
