you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
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