even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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