I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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