I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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