just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
