My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
