I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
