I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
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