Your face is a jimmy john
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
