Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
