Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
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