Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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