highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
