your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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