i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Randomize
