Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I wish you could order shots online.
she told me i tasted like america
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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