Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
