I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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