thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
