apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
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