If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
