I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Randomize
