I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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