Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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