I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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