How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
