Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
