you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
i wish my penis had a tongue
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
