I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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