Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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