Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
