The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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