I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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