got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
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