would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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