You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
