The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
