If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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