i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Randomize
