I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
If no ones going to say it, then I will. Vanessa Hudgens boobs are weird looking
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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