Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
