there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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