my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize
