WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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